Long time, no speak
A lot can happen in four years.
It's been a while. Maybe I'll finish this draft later. At the very least I'm still speaking to Vishal and Addy. Which is definitely the least bad thing!
I wrote the above sentences as a draft for what was intended to be a triumphant return to writing in this blog.
As it stands:
- I've started to become comfortable smoking my electronic cigarette indoors, sitting on the sofa where my father once sat. This is his sofa.
- I have just listened to 'I do this all the time' by Self Esteem to discourage myself from sending a 'long, paragraph text'. I had the thought that I should get a cursive rendition of 'stop sending those long paragraph texts' framed so that I can hang it on the wall. That has always been a vice of mine
- I'm watching Ant Man, of all things. I catch myself speaking in the pseudo-Russian accent that K-T and I used to use to fire back and forth subversive conversation. There is no doubt that this flavour of torment is my own, of course. But still, it's torment
It's been a while. Maybe I'll finish this draft later. At the very least I'm still speaking to Vishal and Addy. Which is definitely the least bad thing!
I wrote the above sentences as a draft for what was intended to be a triumphant return to writing in this blog.
As it stands:
- I've started to become comfortable smoking my electronic cigarette indoors, sitting on the sofa where my father once sat. This is his sofa.
- I have just listened to 'I do this all the time' by Self Esteem to discourage myself from sending a 'long, paragraph text'. I had the thought that I should get a cursive rendition of 'stop sending those long paragraph texts' framed so that I can hang it on the wall. That has always been a vice of mine
- I'm watching Ant Man, of all things. I catch myself speaking in the pseudo-Russian accent that K-T and I used to use to fire back and forth subversive conversation. There is no doubt that this flavour of torment is my own, of course. But still, it's torment
- It has been hot these past few weeks. Dad would have enjoyed it. He would have also complained. Like Father like son, the apple doesn't fall far from both trees
What else has happened since the last blog?
- Met K-T
- Left Arup
- Joined Medopad
- Left Huma
- Joined OVO
- Left K-T
- Norman gone
- Wanted to move to Chester, to home, for initially selfish reasons
- The selfish reasons transmogrified into essential, unavoidable reasons. They'll revert back to selfish reasons eventually, I'm sure. This will happen sooner than I suspect
- And now I'm going on morning walks to listen to the audiobook of Captain Corelli's Mandolin. And for what reason?
- What reason indeed
The first draft of anything is shit, but whomever the quote belongs to, at least it's a draft.
What else has happened since the last blog?
- Met K-T
- Left Arup
- Joined Medopad
- Left Huma
- Joined OVO
- Left K-T
- Norman gone
- Wanted to move to Chester, to home, for initially selfish reasons
- The selfish reasons transmogrified into essential, unavoidable reasons. They'll revert back to selfish reasons eventually, I'm sure. This will happen sooner than I suspect
- And now I'm going on morning walks to listen to the audiobook of Captain Corelli's Mandolin. And for what reason?
- What reason indeed
The first draft of anything is shit, but whomever the quote belongs to, at least it's a draft.
p.s. The worst thing is how starkly mortality jolts into focus. These torments, of death and parting, of parting and death, will be the first true torments of innumerable true torments. They'll be a juggernaut. Thump, thump, thump. The support that you were given, that you took (fool), must be reciprocated over and over (and over and over) again. And the support that you received must be accepted again, time after time (and time after time). I ask, 'how do people cope?'. I suppose they just learn how to. We all become accustomed to all sorts of left field shit. Except that it's not left field. All of these things are just parts of life: right in the midfield.
p.p.s. (2nd) you'll lie there on the sofa you've just rearranged and you'll look at your Google Photo Review of 2020 and you'll get emotional. You were told you'd realise what you'd done, regret it, and by then it would be too late. Maybe it's not too late but by the time you admit it, it will definitely be too late.
p.p.s. (3rd) I swapped the sofas in the living room around this evening. It felt like a cathartic move. When the swap was swapped, I pulled out the hardback Photo Review for 2020 that I bought on a whim on recommendation from a push notification. I became more emotional looking at Merlin and Willow than anything else. At Willow and Merlin. What does that say?
p.p.s. (3rd) I swapped the sofas in the living room around this evening. It felt like a cathartic move. When the swap was swapped, I pulled out the hardback Photo Review for 2020 that I bought on a whim on recommendation from a push notification. I became more emotional looking at Merlin and Willow than anything else. At Willow and Merlin. What does that say?
Comments
Post a Comment